“there are two ways to dehumanize someone: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them”
So things have been difficult for me lately, from an emotional standpoint. Last week I felt I was at a crossroads, and how I got there hasn’t been much different from any love interest I have had.
Sparing most of the background information, the reason I feel I am at a crossroads is because I fear that I am at that unenviable point where I have fallen very hard for this woman, but it seems that everything about this is going to end like so many others: we are just friends; she doesn’t see me that way; she starts dating someone else; etc. And then I am left with these feelings and having to move on.
But is that fair? The sticking point right now is that while I have pretty much conveyed my feelings to the point where I think it’s obvious I like her (comments, notes, saying sweet things) I have not come out and said so explicitly. Likewise, there have been things that she has done that make me think there is interest on her end (pet names, responses to said notes, suggesting we do things together) but of course nothing specific. So of course, why not make a move? Ask her out on a date? Well right now a couple of things is staying my hand. 1. she recently broke up with her boyfriend 2. She has history (some recent) of people professing their love for her.
Now the other reason I feel like I am at a crossroads is that she has indeed hurt me, though perhaps inadvertently (yes, this does not excuse it), on a couple of occasions. And while this happened, one could also reason that if she had cared about me, had feelings for me, then these instances would not have occurred.
So I think there are two paths ahead for me.
1. To throw up my walls, engage my defenses, and tell myself it’s not worth it, it was never meant to be, and to move on.
2. Keep navigating the present course, waiting for the right time to let her know how I feel. It could be that she is receptive to it. Or she ends up dating someone else instead. High risk, high reward.
So the question I have been struggling with, is do I abandon my principles and write her off? Do I give up?
“When you give up on someone, it’s not because you don’t care anymore, but you realize they don’t”
So is that the case? Is it that I am being used emotionally? Is she just that friendly to everyone? Has my “newness” worn off, and now I am just back to being a regular friend? Has she given up?
“The things worth having are worth fighting for”
But am I throwing in the towel too soon? Will I miss out by turning my back now? Is it unfair to her, to think how amazing she is, to suddenly let that feeling go? If I don’t fight, and work for something, how appreciative will I be of what I have? If I don’t work through this, then how will we be able to reconcile any problems we’ll have in the future?
So what now?
Likely strike middle ground. Keep myself mentally preparing for the worst, but forging ahead and continuing to at least be as a best friend I can be for her. Knowing about her past (in generalities – I don’ t know specifics yet, but suffice to say some bad stuff happened growing up) makes me want to be there for her. But I am not going to hang around excessively, not going to be a nuisance. There is a line between helping someone and being clingy.
Will it all work out? I hope so. The single-most difficult thing right now is understanding how hard I fell for her. It’s to the point where I am not interested in anyone else, that I cannot think of anyone else I would rather be with or think is more beautiful. That is rough, and perhaps unfair to her. But if I feel like there has been a purpose in my life, my burden, is to help others. To improve their lives in some small way. And if I suffer as a result of it, so be it.
“Hearts and thoughts they fade… fade away”
